They say the best camera is the camera that you have. I tend to agree.
Lately, I’ve been just goofing off, a prime phrase for many things, with the camera most available to me. My camera phone. It’s fun, the images aren’t serious, they’re just for my own personal enjoyment.
Having said that, I do, of course, share them. I use tumblr to feed posts to my facebook fan page and my profile. So I’ve been using one of my tumblr pages, Mojave Photos, to feed images to my facebook profile, and I’ve been posting a lot of my goofing off, daily life images to it.
Some of the images are good, some aren’t, they’re just images from around life, and I enjoy it. I’ve actually stopped to doing Facebook status updates (mostly) and replaced them with photo status updates. Same idea as a status update, I just take a photo of my status instead of writing about it only.
It’s a fun game for me.
What else can you ask of any art form?
The following is entirely personal, and largely depressing, if you aren’t interested or up for either of those things, I’d suggest stopping now and reading a different post. Just want to make sure you know.
It’s been a year since Erin and I lost Beanie. We lost Beanie at 32-weeks of pregnancy. It was, it was nothing we could’ve changed. The problem that took Beanie from us was started before we even knew Erin was pregnant, and we knew before her period. It was ultimately just bad luck, very bad luck.
Having said that, it doesn’t change much, it doesn’t really change anything. I don’t know if I would change anything. We could’ve found out sooner, maybe it would’ve hurt less, maybe it would hurt less now, but I wouldn’t have had those blissful months. I’ve never had months that happy. I think I will in the future, but those were wonderful times, and I don’t think I’d take those away.
Time has, as time does, dulled the pain. I’m thankful for that.
Getting in the car and crying the whole time was just…it just was. The car is my thinking time, and for many months if I was alone in the car, I was crying. I think I can driver safer today, not crying.
But there is still pain. I’ve found a peace with pain. An embrace of it. Crying, today, in some ways, it doesn’t hurt. It feels honest. It hurts to talk about losing Beanie, every time it hurts, but that’s not “bad”. It just is. I enjoy talking about her actually, at least on occasion. I may cry while doing it, but it feels good to do it. It’s something I don’t think people get, but they just need to trust me here.
I do think about her. I think about her a lot. Not everyday, not for days on end on occasion, but I probably think about her more days than not. She’s my baby girl. How could I not?
I do wonder what she would’ve been like, as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, I wonder. I wonder, as is I think natural, about those lost potentials. I miss that I’ll never experience those with her. I would’ve liked too.
I’ll always wish I could’ve. And that’s good.
At the end of the day I’ve learned somethings, they may very well be of no use to anyone but me, but that never stopped me from sharing before. I’ve learned much purer versions of many emotions, namely love and fear.
I can’t say I know love like many parents know love, but I have an inkling of how little I know of love. I love many people in this world, and many experiences, and many things, and I know I know very little about that word. I just have a taste for how powerful it can be.
Maybe what I’ve learned more about, for better or worse, is fear. I think I can pretty comfortably say I understand fear. I’ve learned to understand fear in and out. With this current pregnancy, oh, for those who don’t know, Erin is 24 weeks pregnant, it’s good stuff. But with this pregnancy, Booger, I can feel the terror, shear terror. Slight pains, slight things that the perinatologist is keeping an eye, and he is very confident everything is dandy for us, but I live in fear. I’ve learned how randomly things can go wrong, horribly wrong, and I fear that moment, I fear that moment coming into existence. Logic be damned, it terrifies me.
I’ve never been a person to live in fear. I respect and listen to fear, it’s a good emotion, it’s an informative emotion, but it definitely has a much stronger pull in my life today. I’m not unusually scared of climbing a cliff, I’m not scared of a car getting to close, I’m terrified of anything that happens to Erin and Boog, a slip and fall, a strange pain, anything, anything different that isn’t easily and quickly definable as “normal”, anything that could be “a sign”. It’s an amazing, a powerful, feeling.
But for all this, let me again be very clear, I wouldn’t, even at the hardest of time, give up my time with Bean, as third hand as it may have been. (As a guy, what else can we do but feel a stomach a move? It is a wonderful feeling though.) I don’t want you to think, after the previous paragraphs that I’m worse off for the experience. I’m different for it, but I’m happy to have had it. She was my baby girl.
I just wish I could’ve had a lifetime with her. I never can, but I’d do almost anything too.
But it was what it was, and that can’t and couldn’t have been changed. That much I know. My job today, everyday, one of many actually, but the important one, is to, while honoring Beanie, to create a happy life for Boog to come into. I can’t do anything for Beanie but love and honor her memory, but for Boog, I can do a lot for Boog, and I’ll do whatever that is, whatever that must be, because I want Boog to have a great life.
And I can’t provide a lot, but damn if Boog ain’t going to at least have the love of it’s Papa. (Mama’s going to do the same I’m sure.) I’ll at least make sure of that Boog is well loved.
And I can’t think of anything I’d rather do in this life.
But I will also always miss my little Beanie. I love you girl. You did have that, you always will have that.
Later Addition, Erin, Mommy’s Post
Luke’s days as an only child are numbered. Life is good like that, but I got to give the only child in him a little respect before he becomes a big brother.
So I’m working on many things on the ongoing website update, some noticeable, some not. One of the items that I’m hoping to get done this weekend is a set of useful links and a blogroll. So…
Hit me up with suggestions, send me your blog, all that good stuff.
So as the last of these “official” Sundays, I offer up these two images of our Stella. Though somehow I’m betting we’re going to keep doing long walks with her every week. It really is one of the best ways I can think of to spend a day off.
I realize this is some sign they, the BLM, use for everything and place under the sun. At this point I’ve seen well over a hundred of them. As I said, the BLM uses them everywhere.
But I have to say, there is a humor in telling me not to use my hang glider in a slot canyon that literally isn’t much wider than my shoulders at several points. I’m going to say you hang glide down this canyon, you win.
You just win. Everything. You win.
Yeah, I’m a bad dog owner. We can just get over it now.
I always find it amusing when I go on hikes, and when I do Stella is almost always with me, and maybe Roxy and possibly “our” other dog Esther, and Erin also frequently if she’s available. I like going for hikes with Erin and/or the dogs. It seems to make them (okay, from here on out I’m just talking about the dogs, not Erin because that’s a whole other post) happy, they like to get out and they’re nice company.
Stella almost always gets to go. The two small dogs can’t always handle the heatt, or the cold, or the terrain if there is a lot of scrambling. Stella can and will do almost anything, and she just stays fairly nearby. No worries, no hassle, no fuss. Climbing up a 5 foot rock face, Stella has already done it before you get there, probably 3 different ways. She’s a great hiking dog and she loves it.
Now, legally, and I would never break the law of course, I’m supposed to have her leashed on all hikes within the state of Nevada. But really when it comes right down to it, if there ain’t a road nearby, what’s the point? It’s less work for me if she’s not, she’s happier, and she ain’t hurting anything (she does try to catch hares but that’s never going to happen because as fast as Stella is, the hares are easily twice her speed. Though she did go for some picnickers caviar on Xmas. Oops.)
Normally this isn’t much of an issue as we tend to hike out of the way areas, but sometimes our starting spots or an area we’re hiking has lots of tourists. These people tend to get a bit freaked. After all, this is a mean vicious pit bull off a leash. Ah well, they can just chill. Stella doesn’t get leashed unless absolutely necessary, and she does very well that way.
In the meantime, when we’re a mile or more from anywhere and there is a sign about leashing your dog, I’m just going to laugh, because really, that’s just ridiculous.
Not to mention, I usually don’t even have the leash with me or in the car, and I ain’t gonna stop walking for some silliness.
Senator Reid and Representative Titus,
I would like to start by saying that I highly support a healthcare bill being passed that is both fiscally responsible and effective at bringing health insurance to those who need it. I believe it has many benefits for this country and all of it’s citizens.
As representatives of the people of Nevada, and thank you for performing that often thankless job, you are both, ultimately, temporary or contract employees of the people of the State of Nevada. As all Representatives and Senators are for their respective states. Since you are not full-time employees, but temporary contract employees I don’t believe members of Congress should receive healthcare benefits through the federal government. This practice should be ended immediately. I would also suggest ending healthcare support for the staffs of representatives as they are also ultimately temporary employees, though I would like to see their current coverage float till 2012 so they have time to find suitable other coverage or jobs. I would like you both to support or introduce bills to bring an end to this practice.
The removal of such an unusual benefit, healthcare for temporary employees, could bring about several useful changes. First and foremost it’s fiscally responsible. It is a rarity indeed for temporary employees to ever get healthcare benefits. I’m sure there would still be plenty of people interested in taking the job without this extra fiscal burden being place on the federal budget.
Secondly in theory the government is “of the people, by the people, for the people,” but it can never truly be so unless the representatives of the people face similar problems as the rest of the people. As long as our representatives in Congress receive special perks it will never be part of the general citizenry at large but will instead occupy a special higher place, a place elite and superior to the people that the representatives claim to represent.
Thirdly for any reformed healthcare system to work, members of Congress are going to have experience it’s successes and failures and have a stake in it. If the only stake representatives have is fielding phone calls we will end up with the nightmare scenario that the Republicans have painted. We must all be stakeholders in whatever the new system is, or in the current system if it remains, from those citizens who buy into healthcare coverage on the open market to those who represent us in Congress.
I have appreciated both of your efforts in regards to healthcare reform, I thank you for that effort, and I hope you will support a bill to bring yourselves in as participants into the plan that you are creating for the rest of us.
I’m pretty sure I haven’t posted this yet. If I have let me know, and I’ll come up with something different later in the day.
Yeah, so things on this blog have changed a bit over the course of this year. First a little catch up then the current stuff.
In case ya need a quick refresher, this year I have, in order:
- Found out I knocked up the girlfriend
- Been laid-off
- Moved from Chicago to Las Vegas (the weather is so much better here)
- Enjoyed my Illinois unemployment insurance while job hunting
- Lost the baby (Bean) in the 32nd week of pregnancy
- Got a seasonal job
- Seasonal job seems to be turning into a regular, possibly even full-time job
Okay, it’s been a busy year. 2008 was a brutal year and 2009 was supposed to be a year I could recover in. I’m going to say that goes in the “fail” category in just about the ultimate way.
When it comes to my photography I am, admittedly, kind of emotionally checked out. I’m not prepared to work on heavy projects. I’m not prepared to deal with in-depth serious issues. I’m just enjoying composition, light, texture, all that stuff. I’m enjoying making pretty pictures and not necessarily story-telling images. I want to do that, I want to do that again, I don’t want to do that today. Today I just want peace and to enjoy the beauty of the world.
So for the last couple of months I’ve been working in Vegas for a company that does most of the school and yearbook photography in town. It’s wasn’t the perfect job, it was a job.
After doing it for a few weeks I discovered something interesting, it actually wasn’t bad, it was pretty decent. It’s not as creative as what I had been doing, but it’s got a few advantages: it’s pretty easy for me to do, it’s a job where my skill set is useful which means I can get the job, I’m challenged in different ways than I have been before, I get to do some stuff of the other stuff they do which is more fun, and it’s in a field that isn’t evaporating like water on an August day in Las Vegas (which let me tell you, you may think is fast, but is actually even faster.)
So the work I’m doing ain’t perfect, nor am I millionaire yet (damn you grocery store slot machines!) but I’m working, I’m making money, I’m enjoying myself, I’m learning some new skills, and I’m working with some pretty nice people, which is a pretty strong selling point.
One of the downsides of my current job is that I can’t use any of those images on my blog or website. So while many weeks I may out at many football games, and volleyball games, soon basketball and wrestling. I can’t post any of them. Any of the other stuff I shoot for the Job I can’t post also.
So that means whereas this blog was previously a large number of my work photos with other various personal photos and freelance photos and whatever else, that large blog of work photos are gone, I’m building new contacts and freelance clients in Vegas but that takes time so for now it’s all photos I create in my free time, at least for a while.
Now, to be fair, I still enjoy doing my oddball stuff and meeting the oddball people, but it’s a slower process to have that happen at this point. There will still be those images, just not as many. Obviously.
Also, on lark I started publishing a new image everyday. I did it for fun. I’m enjoying it, so I’m going to try and continue it. If nothing else it pushes me to keep shooting for me, whatever that may be, I have to do it. That’s a good exercise I’ve recommended to many people, shoot and keep shooting, and now it’s my turn, again, to take my own medicine.
Sorry, I got nothing related to Halloween at this point. I will later today have lots of candy for the kids though, and hopefully they’ll leave none for me.
I don’t need the calories.
I see a Dragon in the cloud shadow, but maybe I’m on dehydrated and hallucinating.